Controversy and Consent

Consent is a common word in the vernacular of today. With many pushing against patriarchal norms and rape culture, educational movements centered on consent have become a staple to university experiences and more. Personally, I am very thankful for the discussion and educational movements in this area. Sexual forms of abuse are insidious and cause deep traumas that will take survivors years to heal. I know from experience. However, the discussions centered on consent and "responsibility" seem to have stirred up controversy. Is there ever shared responsibility? How do you know someone is telling the truth? I am not here to comment on such issues. I am here to suggest that we need to practice consent more regularly in our lives though, not just in the realm of sexuality.

Because the nature of sex is so intimate, it is evident to most all people the need for consent from all parties in this area. Yet there are so many other intimate interactions and moments in relationships that are often not given the same consensual value. Is it alright for us to assume someone must hug us because we need one? I do not think so if they have set physical boundaries. Is it fair for us to expect that people give up their time, dreams or values to fit into our life? I definitely do not think so. Sadly, we all tend to push people into certain actions or outings they never wanted to be a part of, whether we realize it or not.

I am not arguing that we cannot push people to better themselves or speak truth that might not be wanted, but we do need to make consent central to our thought process with our relationships in general. Stealing a hug or kiss from someone or demanding their time they had set aside for their responsibilities is not loving them the best we can. That being said, I think God understands consent better than any of us. After all, Jesus consented to dying on the cross for us, and what an intimate act that was indeed.

God also loves us so well and respects us so deeply that He gives us the space and ability to consent. He never forces you to believe in Him. He never takes your time for Himself. He simply patiently waits, desiring for you to consent to the intimacy with Him. Gently calling you to Himself, but never taking you for Himself. How there can still be a debate on whether or not consent is important is beyond me when we see how our Triune God interacts within Himself and towards us.

Lately I have been convicted of my need to learn to consent. I have always wanted to appear strong and self sufficient. Consenting to anyone intimately, especially the Creator, puts myself into a vulnerable spot willingly. That is terrifying for me. But none of my relationships, with my husband, friends or God will ever go deeper, even if they are loving me well, if I do not consent to letting them go deeper. Basically, I feel like we not only need to learn to seek the consent of those around us, but we also need to learn how to consent. We should not mistake consenting as a form of weakness, but perhaps a form of submission to those we love.

On that note, I like the word and perception behind "consent" better than "submit." I think the two must be looked at in light of the other for us to understand what intimacy looks like. I have always viewed submission as passively allowing things to occur to you, especially things that are not beneficial to you. In light of consent though, submission is more like a form of engaging with someone that gives them a chance to love the darkest parts of you. And if we know we need to seek consent from those around us and put this into practice, then submission should not be scary if we know the person is genuinely waiting for us to be ready for this next step.

I am at a stage in my spiritual and relational journeys where I am learning to consent, now that I understand the importance of consent. I want to have a heart posture that shows God I want Him to take me deeper. I want my husband to know his love for me is cherished. I want my friends to see a transformation in me that allows them to genuinely see me.

What do you think of learning to consent? Any suggestions on learning how to? I would love to hear from you. And if you have ever experienced someone taking parts of you without consent, breaking you to pieces, then just know that you are not alone. That someone is praying for you. That Jesus saw that and His heart broke for you. And that you are still loved beyond measure and filled with more value than the riches of this world. Blessings upon you all.